Tuesday, March 2, 2010

disappointment (continuation of "stained")

Ever been so disappointed in someone that you just look at them differently? That you find yourself not wanting to be around someone or be associated with them in anyway possible? You try to distance yourself from that person as much as possible and as far as you're concerned that relationship, whether friendship, dating or other, is officially over in your mind? But what do you do when that person is the one you see every day in the mirror?

Ever woke up in the morning, looked in the mirror and realized that you fucked up? Not for a few days or the last year even, but for a significant amount of time? How different would life be if you would have committed to one idea instead of putting it off? If you had completed a task in stead of slacking off on it. If you had just followed the plan you created yourself in your head. You put up with the bullshit of others because of far as your concerned you are the king/queen of bullshitting. You begin to devalue yourself as you see others around you rising higher while you're at a stand still.

How do you look at yourself in the mirror when you don't like what you see? How do you reminisce when you have nothing but failure and bed decisions to look back on? How do you plan for future endeavors when you still have to fix past mistakes? You feel yourself slowly sinking in that quicksand again but can you fight it this time? Even worse than feeling like a disappointment to yourself.......you realize that you have been a disappointment to others that have past away.

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Ok so I haven't posted in awhile but I decided to do a short post about today.

Today sucked. I really wanted to spend today with my babygirl but of course I couldn't. Now, there's a legitimate reason why I couldn't but I won't go into it. Today is the first vday in a long while that I haven't spent with the woman I wanted to spend it with. I didn't think it would bother me as much as it does but I'm actually crushed. I started off fine but as the day went on, I just started to feel worse about it. Man, love is a crazy thing ain't?

Well, that's all I'm writing about this topic.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

A New year

So with 2010 two days away, people are going into resolution mode. Thinking up what they are gonna do and telling other people about it ahead of time. Changing their attitudes, appearances, men/women in their lives, jobs, clothing style etc. Then they look to me and ask me what will I do. Simple answer is the same as last year, I don't do resolutions. Any changes that I need to make I won't wait until the first of the year to make.

I am however looking forward to 2010. Like I said in another post, 09 wasn't really that great of a year for me. In addition, I've recently been kicking people out of my circle for various reasons so I'm looking forward to the new people I meet in the new year. Of course as up and down as 09 was, I wouldn't change the majority of it. I like for life to be interesting and full of surprises as opposed to redundant. My plan has been to visit somewhere new every year so I gotta find a few places to go next year. 08 was Vegas and Orlands, 09 was Miami, so I need something different for 2010 (of course this doesn't include trips to places I've been before). So far I'm thinking about the Poconos and Manhatten (yes I've never been to times square, sue me) or maybe that trip to Beverly Hills to hob nob with the snobs lol. So I can add those to my trip every 4 years to Dallas.

Either way, hopefully this year is interesting and memorable just as the last few have been.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

one year anniversary

I didn't want to mention it in my last post but today is the one year anniversary of the day my heart was crushed for the second time in my life. The day my ex miscarried. I don't know what it is but it's weird that I grew so attached so quick. The majority of the guys I know that have experienced a miscarriage all got over it, so to speak, relatively quick. I on the other hand am still thinking of what would/could have been. He wouldn't be a year old yet but he would already be crawling. Is it strange that I think about that stuff?

I've randomly thought about it during the year, thought about what trips I wouldn't have taken. See toys on tv and in stores and think "I would have gotten that for him". I've been told that I'm not that emotional of a person and yet I'm feeling choked up as I type this. Maybe it's how I have been the last few years. Maybe it's because I've felt alone for quite some time that makes me feel this attached to a face I've never seen. I know I've had friends and family around me for the longest time but something about being an only child with one deceased parent and another that didn't give a damn about me makes me feel this way. The lack of "immediate" family is what puts me in this dark place. A place full of feelings I have to hide from those around me. I really wanted to be able to have that sense of closeness with someone that was almost fully my blood in connection but it wasn't meant to be.

I know that there are people I consider brothers and sisters, others that consider me a child of theirs but it just isn't the same. For all the smiles, jokes, and playfulness I present to the world, there's still just an emptiness on the inside that I can't shake and can't seem to get away from no matter how hard I try.

I know Tyler is in arms of his grandmother right now so I guess I shouldn't be too sad. I would have loved to have seen the expression on her face when she first saw her first grandchild though. I wonder how bad she would have spoiled him. I've wondered how much he would have cried at night, how many times a day I would have had to change his diaper in a day, when would he have started crawling etc. I guess my time of joy has not yet arrived but it's ok, I'll appreciate it that much more when it does.

R.I.P. to everyone that meant something to someone else and is no longer here.


I can honestly say I'm happy for 2009 to end. To much has happened in the last 12 months and a lot of it has been negative. The world around me has been interesting to say the least. I've been in a car accident, been without a car for five months, had one serious as breakup, been used, felt completely lonely, been flat broke, and been sued. Some of these are long stories that I haven't disclosed but man has this year sucked. To be fair though, I've found new connections with people emotionally, and a few new relatives so there has been some good. I just can't wait for the new year to begin.

I'm going to have to start the year with a decision (see last post) but it's not that bad of a thing. It's potentially a win-win situation (with the only potential loss being down the road) so that's nothing to complain about.

I'm thankful for the family and friends I do have though. Those that were there for me in my down moments, especially the ones that I never thought would be there for me. Stronger bond has been formed so I can add that to the positives list. I'm also thankful of the e-friends I've made that have given insight and advice on certain situations (if you've commented on any of my posts then I'm talking about you lol) . I hope everyone had a better 2009 than me lol and that you all have a great 2010.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

torn......but not really

Have you ever been in a situation where you are caught between two options that both could potentially be a good decision? Well I'm not in that situation exactly. I'm caught between two situations that both would be a good situation for me, only problem is I want to be in one specifically. The thing is, the one I want isn't an actual option for me, it's just outside that realm of possibility and no matter how much I tell myself that it is still possible, deep down I know it's not. Now my other option would also be a good path for me to walk down but it's not the option I would choose first.

The path I want to walk down has a wall at the end of it. I can see it from here but I can't tell from looking just how long it would take to get to that wall, but I know it's there. The other path has no ending as of now. It's an ongoing road that I would probably walk down happily if I had never looked left and seen the path with the road block. Don't get me wrong, I really want to walk down that path anyway and just enjoy it until I get to the end, but it hurts me to know that there will be an end.

So I'm not really torn, I'm just caught standing between the road I want and the one that makes more sense. For right now I walk in the middle. Both paths start off going in the same direction so for now I just walk straight. But when they turn in different directions, I honestly hope that road block is gone. If not, I'm taking the road with no ending, but probably still thinking about what was on the other side of that road block.

Damn this post is weird, even to me lol

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I'm back

ok so I said all this before but I think I'm going to try and keep up with the blog better than I was previously. Honestly I'll probably fail since I have way to much drama and potential drama going on but whateva, I'll give it an honest try. I'll update as events occur. :)