Wednesday, December 31, 2008

kids shows, crime, and kids

Ok, this is a topic my cousin and I were discussing a few weeks ago. Does anyone else see a direct correlation between television and crime? No not the typical, tv violence causes real violence. I'm talking about the lack of good kids programming forcing more kids outside. Now I know what your thinking, "nothing wrong with kids going outside and playing" but what if they are not going outside to play? These days kids (and when I say kids I mean 12 and younger) are leaving the house to go have sex, try drugs, get high etc more so than to play hopscoth or jump rope. My cousin and I blame the lack of quality programming for this.

Back when I was a kid, I wanted to spend time with friends but I'll be damned if I was missing T.G.I.F. for yo ass. What??? Step-By-Step and Family Matters had my friday nights on lock. I even got into Boy Meets World. Saturday Morning cartoons were also highly anticipated by my friends and I, and I always woke up early to watch some good cartoons until noon. Then there was the old nick shows that came on around 4 o'clock or so that would make me go straight home from school.

What do these kids have today to keep them in on Friday night? Saturday morning cartoons are absolute garbage and uncreative, and are there even after school shows now? Had my 12 year old ass not had anything on tv to watch I would have been outside a lot more doing who knows what. I've done some "interesting" and messed up things as a child but it would have been so much worse had I not ever cared to stay inside. Cities like Baltimore will corrupt the hell out of kids who are over exposed to the streets.

Lack of quality programming is what's forcing these kids into seeking other means of enjoyment. Kids are having kids at a younger age because they don't have enough shows to remind them that they are kids. The don't have a Dennis the Menace or Richie Rich to live vicariously through, now they just go out and get into trouble and focus on any means to get money themselves.

People say that violence on television is what leads to crime. I'm saying something different, bad television leads to crimes. Most of these kids are watching what is being reported on Britney Spears, Kim Kardashian, DMX...........I know just thinking about them right now makes me want to smack the shit out of somebody. What do you think it makes kids want to do. B.E.T. is geared towards kids but all those videos make me want to do is fuck, rap, and hustle. That's not what a kid should be thinking about, they should be wishing they could be heroes like the dudes in voltron, pretending to be spider man or one of his amazing friends, learning something without knowing they're learning with eureka's castle (yes I took it back on this one). You want kids to stay out the streets and off each other? Give them something to watch that's really for kids.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

All my single ladies..........

..........stop letting Beyonce and other singers fuck ya relationship up!!! You keep telling niccas that they "shoulda put a ring on it" and you gonna end up by ya damn self. Don't let her fool you, Jay-Z was hitting that for a few years before he put a ring on it, it had to be at least 3 years. Notice how she ain't put that song out before they got married? She knew damn well that nigga woulda been like "oh really, that's how you tryna play me?" Don't let Beyonce Knowles mess up ya situation. Keep singing "single ladies" and ya ass gonna stay single, lady.

I know she fucked a couple of ya'll up with the "Independent Women" song from her Destinys Child days. Ya'll go from letting a nicca like me buy you drinks to telling me how you dont need me to buy you nothing. Guess what? I damn sure let yo ass buy ya own drinks didn't I, other guys did too. What was the end result? Your pockets got thinner for nothing. Did that make you feel better? Being broke ain't fun is it? You messed up the simple eb and flow of the male/female relationship with that independent shit. Now ya'll back to having a nicca buy ya drinks again. I hope you would have learned from this situation but no, ya'll fucked around and had webbie and ne-yo confuse yo ass again. The smart women learned their lesson the first time, the dumb ones went right on back to being broke and lonely and ain't know why.

Ya'll really killed me back in that damn "No Scrubs" timeframe. Had the nerve to call me a damn scrub for living at my momma house............BITCH I WAS 16/17. Where the fuck you want me to live? A nicca ain't balling while working at Taco Bell and Ruby Tuesdays. Got on me for riding on the passenger side, like a nicca can't carpool. I don't know about you but I like to save gas money every now and then, or I might not have felt like driving that damn day. Why all the bullshit when all I wanted was ya number? Make me sick.

Friday, December 19, 2008

catharsis volume 2: a mother missed

memories of 10/06/03

Some people are lucky enough to have both parents, some have one, and some grow up with neither. I fall into the middle category. The only parent I've ever known was my mother. I grew up an only child and my mother did everything in her power to raise me correctly. I got into trouble like all boys do, but overall I have always had enough sense and good enough morals thanks to mom. Due to the fact that she had to work two jobs when I was younger, I gained a sense of independence and self-reliance quicker than most kids my age, which would help me in the future

Fast forward to after I graduated highschool. I immediately decided to live on my own. My mom moved moved to NY to get her PHD in Criminal Justice. After a year I moved to NY with my mom. She had developed pancreatic cancer. Pancreatic cancer is a painful thing to have and I know second hand, the person I watched learn first hand happened to be the most important person in my life. At 19 I began to watch my mother suffer from random attacks of pain due to the cancer. She was always a strong person and could hide pain very well from me, so I knew it must have been unbearable when she couldn't hide it from me. Many days I would watch my mom as she suffered in these pain attacks and it was slowly eating away at me. Every kid has there superman in life and she was mine. Many different treatments were attempted and all failed. For the first time in a long time I become sincerely religious. I prayed for any way to free my mom from this pain, even for some miraculous way of transfering it to me. This was the hardest thing I've ever had to go through and I feel selfish for saying that because it wasn't me actually going through it.

Almost a year later is when things turned for the extreme worst. My mother was hospitalized for a week. A few months before turning 20 and I got to find out what it's like to be losing the most important person in your life. Besides my mom, the only other person I've lived with and recognized as a parent was my grandfather, he died in July of 2003. And the day my mother got out of the hospital was the day I had to tell her. Those were the hardest words I've ever had to say to anyone in my life. I knew she was already going through more than she needed to but she had to know this. Of her and her 3 other siblings, she was the closest to him. A large piece of her died that day, I could tell, and a large piece of me died with it. He meant a lot to me also, like I said, he was my only father figure.

A month after we bury my grandfather, my mother decided we should move back to MD to be with the entire family. Apparently she knew something that my young mind was ready to recognize, she was dying and she knew it. Deep down I knew it was a good possiblity but I honestly believed my superwoman could beat this like she could beat anything. Within weeks of being back in MD the cancer hit her hard. The first time I really pored out tears was when I heard the doctor say she didn't have long to live. I continued to tell myself that she could beat it up until that point in time. I honestly died a little more right there and then.

My mom was placed on home hospice care with her sister. A turmor was beginning to grow within her stomach and she was to weak from treatments and the all around effects of the cancer to survive the surgery needed. On October 6th 2003, I woke up to a phone call from my aunt. All she said was "get over here". I immediately jumped in the car and started driving. First time in life I've driven without listening to music if I had the option. I kept telling myself that it was something else besides what I already knew it was. As I pulled up in front of my aunts house I saw the ambulance. The front door was open and I rushed in, ran past the the paramedics and my aunt to see my now deceased mother. I've always heard about out of body experiences but I never believed them to be true until then. I sunk into the corner. I closed my eyes and as I opened them, I could see myself. I was still in the room but it was more like I was floating above the room. I could see my aunt crying, I could see my mom, and I could see myself, huddled in the corner crying. In this moment it was as if I wasn't me, I was another person that felt sorrow for the lil boy who just lost his world.

I sat in that corner as family and friends came by, as the paramedics took her out, as the hours flew by. Not a thought ran though my mind except thoughts of my mother. Everything blurred by, I remember people walking up to me, hugging me, saying stuff to me but I couldn't differentiate any of it. Nothing mattered anymore. I sat there for hours and thought of all that was lost. A mother that would never get to meet her daughter in law, have grandchildren, or even see 50. A good woman with no enemies, who's life was ended to early. She was not just my mother, but one of my best friends. I was one of the few teenagers that had no problem walking the malls with my mom, had no problem telling her my business, had no problem hanging out with her everynow and then like I do other friends. This was now the first time in life I felt alone. R.I.P. Julianna Rosemary Benjamin

catharsis volume 1: my unborn son

memories of 12/17/08

Ok very few people know this but I was on my way to being a father. A month after my my ex and I broke up she informed me that she was pregnant. I pretty much already knew it was mine and can actually remember the exact day of conception. Well, my first thoughts were of whether or not I could financially afford this child and if I would live a life with the mother so as to not have two households my child to be going back and forth between. As time went on I began to feel less and less nervous/scared and more excited.

Then the big day came, we found out the sex of the child and it was a boy. I was at the happiest point I've ever been in since I can remember. I was having a boy. A chip of the old block. I'm city so I guess his nickname really could have been block lol. Anyway, I began really thinking of the future which is one thing I hate to do. I planned for him to be bi-lingual, decent enough at sports etc. We even had a name for him, the name we picked was Tyler. It was her idea but I actually like the name, it wasn't final but it was the name at the time. I'm thinking up good areas to live and everything. Well, I wake up on 12/17/08 and turn off the alarm on my phone. After this I see a notification telling me that I had a text message. My ex miscarried the night before. I thought I had dried up on tears in 2003 after my mom died (another blog) but I was wrong. I read the text at 7 am and sat in shock for a few minutes. This was the one time I had truly been happy in as long as I can remember and it was taken away from me. I'm a 25 year old male and I have no problem telling you that I cried, from about 7:30 am until about 11:00 am.

I sat there in the darkness of my room alone for a few hours and just thought about a few of the things I've been through in life, but I spent most of the time thinking about my unborn son. Thinking about what he could have accomplished in life and how badly I would have spoiled him. I already knew he would be mischievious because he's my boy, and I already knew I would defend him against anybody that called him wild. My cousin told me to remember the joy he brought in the short time he was here, that's the only thing I can do right now. I never thought it would hurt this damn much but it does. But in the memory of my unborn son, I will move forward. I can't let myself sink into despair like I've done in the past. I never got to see his face, but I will never forget his memory. R.I.P. Tyler