memories of 12/17/08
Ok very few people know this but I was on my way to being a father. A month after my my ex and I broke up she informed me that she was pregnant. I pretty much already knew it was mine and can actually remember the exact day of conception. Well, my first thoughts were of whether or not I could financially afford this child and if I would live a life with the mother so as to not have two households my child to be going back and forth between. As time went on I began to feel less and less nervous/scared and more excited.
Then the big day came, we found out the sex of the child and it was a boy. I was at the happiest point I've ever been in since I can remember. I was having a boy. A chip of the old block. I'm city so I guess his nickname really could have been block lol. Anyway, I began really thinking of the future which is one thing I hate to do. I planned for him to be bi-lingual, decent enough at sports etc. We even had a name for him, the name we picked was Tyler. It was her idea but I actually like the name, it wasn't final but it was the name at the time. I'm thinking up good areas to live and everything. Well, I wake up on 12/17/08 and turn off the alarm on my phone. After this I see a notification telling me that I had a text message. My ex miscarried the night before. I thought I had dried up on tears in 2003 after my mom died (another blog) but I was wrong. I read the text at 7 am and sat in shock for a few minutes. This was the one time I had truly been happy in as long as I can remember and it was taken away from me. I'm a 25 year old male and I have no problem telling you that I cried, from about 7:30 am until about 11:00 am.
I sat there in the darkness of my room alone for a few hours and just thought about a few of the things I've been through in life, but I spent most of the time thinking about my unborn son. Thinking about what he could have accomplished in life and how badly I would have spoiled him. I already knew he would be mischievious because he's my boy, and I already knew I would defend him against anybody that called him wild. My cousin told me to remember the joy he brought in the short time he was here, that's the only thing I can do right now. I never thought it would hurt this damn much but it does. But in the memory of my unborn son, I will move forward. I can't let myself sink into despair like I've done in the past. I never got to see his face, but I will never forget his memory. R.I.P. Tyler