Friday, December 19, 2008

catharsis volume 1: my unborn son

memories of 12/17/08

Ok very few people know this but I was on my way to being a father. A month after my my ex and I broke up she informed me that she was pregnant. I pretty much already knew it was mine and can actually remember the exact day of conception. Well, my first thoughts were of whether or not I could financially afford this child and if I would live a life with the mother so as to not have two households my child to be going back and forth between. As time went on I began to feel less and less nervous/scared and more excited.

Then the big day came, we found out the sex of the child and it was a boy. I was at the happiest point I've ever been in since I can remember. I was having a boy. A chip of the old block. I'm city so I guess his nickname really could have been block lol. Anyway, I began really thinking of the future which is one thing I hate to do. I planned for him to be bi-lingual, decent enough at sports etc. We even had a name for him, the name we picked was Tyler. It was her idea but I actually like the name, it wasn't final but it was the name at the time. I'm thinking up good areas to live and everything. Well, I wake up on 12/17/08 and turn off the alarm on my phone. After this I see a notification telling me that I had a text message. My ex miscarried the night before. I thought I had dried up on tears in 2003 after my mom died (another blog) but I was wrong. I read the text at 7 am and sat in shock for a few minutes. This was the one time I had truly been happy in as long as I can remember and it was taken away from me. I'm a 25 year old male and I have no problem telling you that I cried, from about 7:30 am until about 11:00 am.

I sat there in the darkness of my room alone for a few hours and just thought about a few of the things I've been through in life, but I spent most of the time thinking about my unborn son. Thinking about what he could have accomplished in life and how badly I would have spoiled him. I already knew he would be mischievious because he's my boy, and I already knew I would defend him against anybody that called him wild. My cousin told me to remember the joy he brought in the short time he was here, that's the only thing I can do right now. I never thought it would hurt this damn much but it does. But in the memory of my unborn son, I will move forward. I can't let myself sink into despair like I've done in the past. I never got to see his face, but I will never forget his memory. R.I.P. Tyler


RanDomMuCh said...

Damn city, you should know i'm here for you whenever you need to talk etc. sorry i couldnt really be there to help you through it.

thundacat said...

awwww City Boo, i feel ya pain. i think its the unknown that makes you grieve the most. i have miscarried before, and its the wondering of what the childs life could of been. what they would of looked liked, how they would of laughed. its hard to get past the loss, but the not knowing of what you actually could of had is the hardest. i have 2 beautiful children, so i know how amazing a childs life can be. and i also believe everything happens for a reason, so rest assured, you will have children one day, and Tyler will live on in them. *XoXoXo*

and on a lighter note...if u ever need a uterus to help fullfill your mission for a lil BlockHead, i offer my services, and i make BEAUTIFUL babies!!...

Anonymous said...

Dammit city..Im gonna stay off your blog..I been tearing up reading this and the one about your mom...I'm so sorry for your loss..I know you would have been an excellent dad to Tyler..Your situation reminds me of Tupac's song A letter to my unborn child..And there is nothing wrong with a man crying and expressing feelings of grief...I know Tyler is with his Grandmother in Heaven keeping a close watch over you!