Thursday, March 12, 2009

catharsis volume 3: quicksand of the mind

memories of 2004-2005

Definition of quicksand: A bed of loose sand mixed with water forming a soft shifting mass that yields easily to pressure and tends to engulf any object resting on its surface.
How deep can a person get before they completely freak out? If you panic, you cause yourself to sink quicker but if you do nothing you will still sink in, just at a slower rate. You need to think clearly and figure out a way to get out of the situation

Ever get that feeling that no matter what you do, things just seem to get worse? You're trying your best to get out of a bad situation but no matter what you do, you only seem to get deeper into the situation. In a time where jobs are hard to come by, you are stuck at a job u hate. Everyday you go to work u feel instant stress when you walk through the door. Supervisors imposing ridiculous deadlines that can't be met, giving you work that's not even part of your job description, and yet still complaining and yelling that things aren't done in a quick enough time frame. 5 days a week u get out of the car in a pleasant mood but it instantly goes sour as soon as you walk through the door. 8 or more hours of mental tension five days a week. You get to the point where you don't even look forward to the weekend because it leads right back to those five work days. You feel yourself sinking deeper and deeper. When do you start to panic? When do you stop and think clearly? How do you get out of the situation? You're about knee deep

Relationships add to your stress. You put you're all into someone but they don't do the same. They did to start the relationship so as of now, you are deeply in love and hoping for change. Change won't come but you don't give up. You stay positive but the other person continues to be selfish. You do everything that person wants to make them happy including things that u don't want to do. You're willing to sacrifice anything you have (time, money, etc) for them, and they see that as a reason to keep taking. Your kindness is now a weakness. You put out more love than you are receiving, things don't seem balanced. At some point you begin to question yourself because it seems that you are expecting something that won't happen. Yes you did some things in the past that u shouldn't have, as did they. But you forgave and left it in the past, they bring it up every time it's possible. Why are you still here and why is love forcing you to go through such pain? You feel yourself sinking deeper and deeper. When do you start to panic? When do you stop and think clearly? How do you get out of the situation. You're about waist deep

Friends are not what you would expect. You're a good nature person and they take advantage of that. When they need you, you drop what you are doing because you're a good friend. It doesn't matter if it's money, a ride, or just someone to talk to, you are there for them. When you need them, they are busy, tired, or just don't feel like being bothered. When you call, they don't answer unless convenient to them. They don't repay unless u harass them about it, which makes you feel like you're in the wrong. The word "friend" starts losing it's original definition in your mind because u can't seem to find someone that displays the true meaning of the word. It's just people that take and take, but aren't willing to give back. You start to think that you would be better off alone. You feel yourself sinking deeper and deeper. When do u start to panic? When do you stop and think clearly? How do you get out of the situation. You're about neck deep

Life is not what you would like it to be. You're not at a job that you like, you're in a bad relationship, and your friends are not real friends at all. You feel alone in the world. People know you and yet nobody really knows you because you don't share your true feelings. You think about what life has to offer and wonder if it's all worth it. You remember all the hardships you've endured and think to yourself that it's to much, the weight has been crushing u slowly. You think of all the good things you've experienced and realize it comes nowhere near the amount of negative things you've been through. You recall the way you felt when you came home to find that you had bee robbed, everything you owned now belonged to someone else including things that u only kept for sentimental value of your lost mother and grandfather. You reminisce about the time that you had no home to call your own and were sleeping in your car under the stars, how it was difficult to explain why u needed to take a shower at someone elses house and why u had all those clothes in your trunk and backseat. You remember the guy that shot at you and your friends because he had to prove how hard he was and the friend you watched die in front of you from a gunshot to the back of the head. You stop thinking about the rest because u realize that all this happened before you turned 21. You are convinced that the future just holds more of the same stress, struggles, and tribulations that you've been going through as far as you can remember. You can only think of one way out. You know it's the coward's way out but you don't care, it's the only thing you can think of that won't cause you any future pain, sorrow, or heart ache. You hope to see those that you've missed, you hope to finally be at peace. You grab the gun and put it to your head. You've sunk pretty deep. You've begun to panic, you're officially in over your head..............but it's not to late. There's always time to think clearly

1 comment:

Masha said...

been there, even changed the country to realize that no matter where you go it's gonna be like that until you change yourself. Creating your own world isn't easy but it pays off, nothing can hurt you unless you want to be hurt.