Thursday, December 17, 2009

one year anniversary

I didn't want to mention it in my last post but today is the one year anniversary of the day my heart was crushed for the second time in my life. The day my ex miscarried. I don't know what it is but it's weird that I grew so attached so quick. The majority of the guys I know that have experienced a miscarriage all got over it, so to speak, relatively quick. I on the other hand am still thinking of what would/could have been. He wouldn't be a year old yet but he would already be crawling. Is it strange that I think about that stuff?

I've randomly thought about it during the year, thought about what trips I wouldn't have taken. See toys on tv and in stores and think "I would have gotten that for him". I've been told that I'm not that emotional of a person and yet I'm feeling choked up as I type this. Maybe it's how I have been the last few years. Maybe it's because I've felt alone for quite some time that makes me feel this attached to a face I've never seen. I know I've had friends and family around me for the longest time but something about being an only child with one deceased parent and another that didn't give a damn about me makes me feel this way. The lack of "immediate" family is what puts me in this dark place. A place full of feelings I have to hide from those around me. I really wanted to be able to have that sense of closeness with someone that was almost fully my blood in connection but it wasn't meant to be.

I know that there are people I consider brothers and sisters, others that consider me a child of theirs but it just isn't the same. For all the smiles, jokes, and playfulness I present to the world, there's still just an emptiness on the inside that I can't shake and can't seem to get away from no matter how hard I try.

I know Tyler is in arms of his grandmother right now so I guess I shouldn't be too sad. I would have loved to have seen the expression on her face when she first saw her first grandchild though. I wonder how bad she would have spoiled him. I've wondered how much he would have cried at night, how many times a day I would have had to change his diaper in a day, when would he have started crawling etc. I guess my time of joy has not yet arrived but it's ok, I'll appreciate it that much more when it does.

R.I.P. to everyone that meant something to someone else and is no longer here.

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